


Inappropriate Attire

by peppypear



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack, Everybody Lives, Fluff and Crack, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Possessive Steve Rogers, infinity war? i dont know her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 18:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16498217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppypear/pseuds/peppypear
Summary: The soldier in him was never completely at ease; he’d noticed just recently that something was off. Steve didn't want to admit it, but he suspected his worst fear was coming true, that Tony was losing interest in him. And it was all the fault of that goddamned Cloak of Levitation.ORFive Times Steve thought Tony was being molested by a Magic Cloak and One time he didn’t (because Steve was the one doing it)





	Inappropriate Attire

**Author's Note:**

> Another weird idea from the twisted mind of Stony MCU discord!

1.

“Babe, how do you like your bacon? Crispy or super-crispy?” 

“The normal amount, Tony, you don't need to- Never mind.” Steve watched in mild consternation as Tony raised one gauntleted hand and began blasting the food with a repulsor.

“Trust me, it tastes better like this,” Tony said merrily, as if preparing breakfast while clad head-to-toe in a gold titanium alloy suit was a perfectly normal thing to do. “You know, kitchenware is another avenue I’ve been considering for arc reactor tech- oh, thank you.”

Steve looked over, and there it was: the Cloak of Levitation had wrapped itself around the front of Tony’s armored torso like an apron. As Tony joined him at the table, the Cloak slithered off his shoulders and onto his lap. 

Tony chuckled as the cloak began nuzzling into his thighs. “Good morning to you too.”

Steve gritted his teeth, neatly snapping his half-burned bacon in two.

\--

2.

Steve never doubted that what he had with Tony was strong. Sure, things had gotten messy with that business with Zemo, and that time where half the earth’s population vanished into thin air, but working together to save the cosmos had brought them back together. 

It hadn't been all smooth sailing; there'd been a lot of shouting, angry sex followed by serious talks, more shouting, and more sex… but they'd worked it all out and come out the other side stronger than ever.

Now that the world was no longer in any (immediate) danger, the days of peace felt like a blessing. 

...Although, the soldier in him was never completely at ease; he'd noticed, recently, that something was off. Steve didn't want to admit it, but he suspected his worst fear was coming true, that Tony was losing interest in him. 

And it was all the fault of that goddamned Cloak of Levitation.

Over the last two weeks, Steve had noticed a pattern. It had happened every time the Avengers (god, their roster was huge by now) took down a supervillain. 

_ It’s fucking happening right now. _ Steve glared across the smoking remnants of their latest battlefield where Tony was inspecting the damage, fighting the urge to stride across and pull Tony out from the field before what was going to happen  _ happened again. _

Tony gave him a brief smile, then his faceplate snapped down as he sent out a call to Damage Control on his armor’s comm.

Steve’s only warning was a flash of red out of the corner of his eye before a swoosh of wind  almost knocked him over half a second later.  Strange’s Cloak of Levitation fluttered towards Tony, where It settled over his armored hips like a sash. The ends of the  cloak quivered, and - to Steve’s fury - began stroking his armor-plated ass.

“Tough fight, huh, Cloaky?” Tony absently patted the Cloak as if It was a stray cat, and resumed his work, oblivious to the ministrations of the perverted garment. 

“ Do you take nothing seriously?” remarked Strange, who was passing by. Cloakless. 

“Why d'you say that?” Tony asked.

“Its name is the Cloak of Levitation. Not-” Strange’s eyebrow  twitched . “Cloaky.”

Tony shrugged. “Eh, Cloaky likes it, don't you, little guy?”

Cloaky’s response was to continue fondling Tony's  ass .

Steve didn’t like this one bit. A bitter taste rose to the back of his throat.

This happened every battle they'd fought in the last few weeks:  barely had the dust from the battle settled, when Strange’s cloak would flutter over and start groping Tony. That would have been bad enough on its own, but the fact that Tony seemed to think nothing of the Cloak’s erotic ministrations was what unsettled Steve.

Steve cleared his throat.  Cloaky lifted a corner and slapped itself across Tony’s ass with a resounding ‘ping.’

\--

3.

Worse was when Cloaky began expanding its lecherous behavior to the Avengers HQ.

Steve’s visits to  the lab were now marred by the constant presence of Cloaky, who seemed intent on molesting Tony as he worked. 

“The resistance on this one is a little different- yeah, you like that, don’t you?”

Tony was aiming a repulsor at a target, wearing his chestplate and gauntlets. The Cloak had twined itself around one arm like a boa, with the other end draped over Tony’s shoulders like a possessive arm. The lapels were perked upright, observing Tony’s actions with utter fascination.

_ He never expects me in the lab anymore.  _ Steve thought grumpily as the doors slid open for him. Tony had said the lab was open at all times, but ever since the Cloaky had started moving in, those invitations and late night hook-ups had been steadily decreasing.

“Is that pizza I smell?” Tony turned, and broke into a grin at the sight of Steve. “Well, if it isn’t the man with the pizza pan.”

“You missed dinner.”  Steve replied simply, with a touch of fondness. Even though those days of everyone living in Avengers Tower were far behind them all, it was comforting to know that some things never changed, like their easy companionship, Steve pretending to misunderstand technology, Tony forgetting to eat when he was on a bender. 

As Steve stepped closer, the Cloak tightened Its grip around Tony’s arm.

Steve wished the Cloak wasn’t part of the deal.

“Be right there.” Tony set down his data tablet and clanked over, still in his armor. “I’m doing some tune-ups for the repulsors.”

The red cloth rippled, One of the ends slithered over Tony’s shoulder, sliding under the chestplate.

“Hey, that tickles.” Tony jumped as the tips of Cloaky  squeezed itself under the armor, rubbing up and down his  chest . “Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be done with-”

Realizing that Tony would get so caught up in his work and therefore forget to eat, Steve went over, intending to steer him towards the food. 

Before Steve could take his arm, Cloaky slapped his hands away sharply. Steve stared in shock, more taken aback by the audacity of Cloaky’s actions than the pain. How dare this glorified handkerchief get so handsy with  _ Steve’s _ boyfriend?

So lost was he in murderous plans for the cloak, that he heard nothing of what Tony was talking about.

\--

4.

Not long after, Tony had to go overseas for some business trip. Steve missed him, but was secretly relieved because it meant that Cloaky wouldn’t be hanging around him. 

Besides, they had facetime, which was very convenient for certain things, Steve mused, thinking back to their their last conversation. Things had gotten really heated, but in all the good ways. After so many years misunderstanding each other, he just wanted to make up for all the lost time. 

But phone sex wasn’t enough, and after a few calls Steve was ready for Tony to come home.

On the day Tony was to return,. Steve headed for the communal area. He looked forward to celebrating with Tony in the way they both liked best, which involved not leaving their bedroom for a very long time. 

The dull roar of repulsors grew louder as Steve approached the area.

“Looks like somebody was eager for me to get back-” Tony’s voice sounded warm and teasing towards the mystery person.

Steve frowned and quickened his pace. He had a sinking feeling as to who it was. Or rather,  _ what _ it was.

Steve turned the corner just in time to see Tony descending on the landing pad. The second his armored boots touched down on the tarmac, Cloaky was upon him in a flash, coiling itself around one greave, slowly moving up towards the juncture of his legs.

“Heya, daddy’s home. Yeah, yeah, betcha can’t wait to get me out of the armor…” Tony carried on chatting, unaware that his boyfriend was standing right in front of him while the Cloak rubbed its way up his thigh.

Wow. Okay then.

Steve turned around and walked back in the direction he’d came. Things were getting out of hand. As much as Steve disliked the conversation he'd have to engage in, there was no other choice.

It was time to have a word with Cloaky’s owner. 

Out of all the numerous rooms of the sprawling Avengers complex, Strange could be counted on to be found in the library. Steve confronted Strange in the stacks; the magician was wearing his customary blue tunic and engrossed in a hefty tome. 

_ Look at him, acting as if he doesn’t know what that randy rag is up to, _ Steve thought viciously.

“Strange.” Steve said curtly. 

Without even looking up from his book, Strange raised a hand. “I already know what you're going to say.”

Of course he did.

“Of course you do.” Steve folded his arms. “So you'll understand why it's starting to piss me off. You'd better stop-”

Strange turned a page, and spoke in his know-it-all voice. “Two days from now, you will discover that the mysterious stain on your shield was the result of Wilson and Barnes using it in a food fight against Peter and Shuri. It will come to pass when Peter lets the cat out of the bag.”

“Huh? That's not what I was going to-” the unexpected reply caught Steve of guard, and he shook his head. After making a mental note to have a Talk with Sam and Bucky about misuse of equipment, he returned to the topic at hand. “Stop doing that. Predicting what people are going to say before they say it. It’s pretty rude.” Not to mention creepy, he added mentally.

Boredly, Strange looked down his nose at him. “I am the keeper of the Time Stone. By the power vested in me, it’s my duty to foresee every timeline, every outcome.” 

“Well, foresee this.” Steve glared and stepped closer, looming over the wizard. “I see bad things on the horizon if you don't stop flirting with Tony.” 

Strange blinked and set his book down. “Okay, I didn’t see that one coming.”

Feeling a little smug at having managed to catch the wizard off guard, Steve went on. “I know you don’t like me, but this is extremely petty. Can’t you have some respect for Tony’s decision?”

Steve couldn’t help the old insecurity that welled up whenever he thought about Tony and Strange in the same context. He didn’t exactly know the relationship between the two men during the war against Thanos, other than they’d fought alongside each other on Titan. Strange was more similar to Tony in both personality and intelligence, and Steve sometimes found himself wondering where he fit in. 

But the fact remained, that when was said and done, Tony had chosen Steve. And that meant - Steve clenched his fist - that meant Strange should back the fuck off.

“My dear Captain, I don’t dislike you; we’re teammates, after all. But I have no idea how you arrived at the conclusion that I’m interested in Tony.” Strange continued to look politely baffled, which was all the more infuriating. 

“Don't pretend.” Steve said impatiently. “Every time we’re out you keep using your cloak to feel him up. It's a dirty trick, and you have no right to-”

“Oh. Is that all?” Strange replied, blandly disinterested once more, as if he’d discovered that the grocery store had run out of his favourite brand of peanut butter.

Steve exclaimed, incensed.“‘That's all?’ Nothing else to say?”

Pausing for a second, Strange met his gaze squarely and spoke as if explaining something very simple to a small child. “You can rest assured that I have no intention of encroaching on your relationship with Tony. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must resume my studies.” With that, Strange picked up his book as if the subject were settled.

There was no way Steve was letting him off so easily. “So you're not interested in him?” 

“I respect Tony as a colleague, but he's not my type. Besides, I peered into the future; a relationship between him and I was not in our stars. However...” Strange looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. “There were a number of futures in which the three of us participated in a reasonably enjoyable  _ menage a trois _ -”

“Excuse me?” Steve said indignantly, a little offended.  _ ‘Reasonably?’ _

“Yes, and to be completely honest, I suppose such an idea is not  _ completely _ unappealing to me. Therefore, if-”

“No thanks.” Steve quickly changed the subject. The idea of  _ sharing _ Tony with Strange, let alone anyone made him want to put something through a wall. “If you’re not interested in him, then why does Cloaky-”

Strange’s eye twitched. “The  _ Cloak of Levitation _ is my comrade in battle, but It has a mind of Its own. I am not Its owner.” The wizard gestured to his cloak-less shoulders. “When we’re off duty, It does as It pleases.” 

“You're kidding. So you're saying all those perverted things were Cloaky’s-” Steve couldn’t help feeling a vindictive satisfaction at the irritation flashing in Strange’s eyes at the nickname. “-own actions?”

“Yes. Nothing to do with me. Now go away, I'm reading.”

“Then how am I supposed to make Cloaky stop?” Steve asked desperately. 

“You could try asking nicely.” Strange replied acerbically, before turning full attention back to his book.

In the silence that followed, Steve considered what he had just learned. If Strange was not responsible for Cloaky, then it changed everything. There was a lot Steve could deal with, but he  wasn't sure what he could do about a sentient cloak that was in love with Tony. 

Ever the tactician, Steve’s mind began scrolling through solutions: perhaps he could dump Cloaky at a dry cleaners’ and ‘forget’ to collect It. Or donate Cloaky to a goodwill and hope nobody minded getting a perverted piece of outerwear? Hell, Steve was prepared to ask Thor if the dwarves on Nidavellir could forge him a god-killing carpet beater, if that would put an end to Cloaky’s licentiousness.

…

No, no, and no. Of course, Steve couldn’t do any of those things.

Short of feeding Cloaky into a wood chipper, or permanently pinning Cloaky to a wall with a clothespin (actually, that last one have the opposite effect, Cloaky might enjoy being pegged), Steve was shit out of solutions. 

Strange cleared his throat and Steve jumped minutely, realizing he’d forgotten the magician was still there. 

“I wasn’t joking about the threesome, by the way.” Strange said.

“Goodbye, Strange.” Steve hastily left the library.

\--

5.

As relieved as Steve felt to not be competing in a love triangle, he now had a different set of problems.

He realised he was not bothered by Cloaky’s behavior so much as the fact that Tony was allowing it. They needed to talk to each other. It was lack of communication that had caused them to fall victim to Zemo’s machinations, and Steve didn’t want them to make the same mistakes again.

Tony and him needed to have an honest to discuss boundaries, other people (and things) in their relationship, quality time, and - Steve hesitated, suddenly uneasy - possibly accept the possibility that Tony was no longer as into him as he was before.

Well, Steve wouldn’t know until he tried, and Steve was never one to back away from the things he was afraid of.

As was always the case when he was brooding, Steve found his feet taking him in the direction of Tony’s lab. Above the blaring rock music, he could hear the clunk of heavy machinery being operated. 

As Steve stepped into the lab, he was greeted by the sight of Tony moving things around while clad head-to-toe in the Mk49. Steve paused to watch him work. He never ceased to be amazed by the technological marvels Tony continually turned out.

Tony turned to him with a nod, arms full of engineering equipment. “Heya, Cap.”

“I see you’re redecorating.” Steve gestured to the crates of equipment sitting in the expanded space.

“I designed a fun new co-working lab for all the sciencey avengers.” Tony replied cheerfully. “So Dr Cho, Bruce, and Pete can come play! I’ve already installed Scientific Equipment #1, #2, and #3!”

Tony didn’t actually say that, but for all Steve understood of science, Tony might as well have been naming different types of cupcakes.

Steve cleared his throat. “Okay, well… there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Tony nodded and turned back to the bulky piece of equipment he was shifting. “Sure thing. I’m gonna keep working, but trust me, I'm listening.”

Leaning against a column, Steve began. “Lately, I’ve noticed that you seem different.”

“Oh yeah, I've been working out more, it’s been doing wonders for my glutes.” Tony replied absently.

“No, that's not it.” Although Steve did agree with the assessment about his butt. After all, he had spent the better half of the last afternoon examining it. He loved how round and firm and…

_...Wait! Stop getting distracted!_ Steve kicked himself back to the present. “What I wanted to say is-”

Steve caught a telltale flash of red and heard a swish of movement.  _ Oh hell no. _

To Steve’s eternal chagrin, Cloaky fluttered over like the world’s most perverted magic carpet and wrapped its rippling expanse over Tony’s shoulders like an embrace. One corner wrapped around his waist like a possessive arm, and the other corner stroked over the chestplate in a manner far more sensually than a piece of fabric had any right to be.

A low hum emanated and Steve realised that Cloaky was vibrating - no, grinding on Tony!

Steve's good mood evaporated and he snapped. “I can't take this anymore!”

“Steve?” Tony sounded concerned. “What's wrong?”

“Have you no shame? Draping yourself everywhere like some kind of-” Steve fumbled around for the worst insult he could think of. “It’s shameless!”

Cloaky fluttered its lapels delicately. The shoulder pads rose in what was unmistakably, a shrug.

“Excuse me?” Tony asked, sounding like he wasn’t sure whether to be insulted or not. “You already knew I was a big slut, why are you bringing this up now-”

Steve was on a roll. “I don't care if you're a thousand-year-old artifact, you need to back off.” Steve said sternly. “What Tony and I have is special, and you're-”

“Steve, who are you talking to?”

With another shrug, Cloaky turned back to Tony where It resumed groping him.

Steve saw red. “That’s it. I’m gonna wipe the floor with you.”

Moving like a flash, Steve seized Cloaky, wrenching It off Tony. 

Cloaky flared out in alarm, and started swiping at Steve’s face. Straining to avoid the blinding slashes, Steve held Cloaky away at arm’s length. His other hand gripped Cloaky’s other corner, stretching it almost to the point of ripping.

“Steve! STOP!” 

The lab doors burst open, and Steve turned to come face to face with… 

...Tony?

“What’s happening?” Tony asked, gingerly stepping into the lab. He was wearing an old band shirt and a piece of tech strapped to his head. The glow from the headset threw a soft glow on his puzzled face.  


Cloaky paused in the middle of slapping Steve in the face to wave.

Steve froze, staring in confusion at the Tony, who had just entered the lab, and then at the armored Tony he had just pulled Cloaky away from. “Wait- who’s that in the armor?”

“Remote piloting system. I told you I was gonna be using it for my redecorating projects.” Tony tapped the device strapped to his temples. His wide brown eyes took in the scene - Steve gripping Cloaky in a chokehold, Cloaky reaching for Steve’s throat - and he took a deep breath. “I can't believe I'm saying this: Cloaky, stop trying to strangle Steve. Steve, let go of Cloaky.”

“If you’re here, then why was Cloaky-” Steve was knocked back as Cloaky jumped out of his grip and began slithering over to Tony like a large, red, sentient pancake.

_ Oh hell no.  _ Steve had to get Tony away from Cloaky before It got any more perverted ideas again.

With a growl, Steve grabbed Tony by the arms, and began shoving him out of the lab. “My room. Now.”

“Somebody's pushy.” Tony remarked, but he allowed himself to be manhandled. “Not that I don’t like when you get pushy, but-”

“This- this isn't about that.” Steve said they made a run for the elevator and began jabbing the ‘Close’ button. To his relief, the doors closed right in front of Cloaky before It could join them.

“I need to have a talk with you.” Steve turned to the other man.

“Is that what you’re calling it now? Are we playing naughty student and professor?” Tony licked his lips, eyes bright. “You gonna give me a long, hard lecture?”

“It’s about- mmph!” Steve took a step back as Tony practically pounced on him for a kiss. Steve’s hands automatically went on on the other man’s hips to steady himself, and the action earned him an approving  sound .

Tony  all but purred as he advanced,  backing Steve against the elevator wall and grinding against the front of his jeans.

The touch swept all thoughts of annoying cloaks out Steve’s mind.

\--

(+1)

Later, after they were done, Steve stared at the back of Tony’s neck while they were cuddling. Now that the euphoria of sex was starting to wear off, his concerns were all rushing back. Maybe the truth was that Tony was tired of Steve and was trying to pull away. 

Tony shifted in his grip. “I can hear you thinking from here. Wanna share what you're thinking about?”

“Are you happy?” Steve asked heavily, burying his face in Tony’s hair. “With me. With what we have?”

Tony clicked his tongue thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I just let you live in my house, buy you presents, fight bad guys together, share your bed, and hang out because I feel sorry for you. ”

Steve froze.

“Come on! Of course I’m happy!” Tony rolled over in the circle of his arms. “Talk to me, Wonder Bread, what’s this all about?” 

“Is there something you’re unhappy about that I can’t give you?” Steve hugged him closer. 

“Huh?” Tony’s eyes went wide with confusion and a hint of hurt. “What’s this about?”

“Cloaky.” Steve shook his head at how ridiculous it all sounded, then burst out. “Cloaky won’t stop being a pervert.” 

He would do anything for Tony, truly. But some things were just beyond the realm of possibility, and if Tony was into living cloaks… Steve turning himself into a piece of sentient fabric would be a step too far.

Tony stared at him for a beat, then flopped down into the pillows and started laughing.

Miffed, Steve rolled over to the other side of the bed.

“Whoa, whoa. Tony’s hands grasped at his arm, tugging him back. “Babe, I wasn't laughing at you, just the situation.”

“I don't find this remotely funny.” Steve replied stiffly. But he allowed himself to be pulled back, and he turned over to face a still-giggling Tony.

“Trust me, you got this upside down. Cloaky isn’t after my ass.” With an effort, Tony schooled his features back to seriousness. “Cloaky is in love with the armor.”

“What?”

“You know how suitably advanced tech is indistinguishable from magic? My guess is Cloaky considers the armor a fellow magic artifact. It’s had a little crush on the Bleeding Edge armor ever since we went to space.” Tony  explained patiently . “That’s all.”

The reasoning sounded simple. But everything didn’t add up. 

Steve frowned. “What about that day in the kitchen? You were cooking and Cloaky flew in and started-”

“Cloaky didn’t want the armor to get all greasy.”  Tony stated, as if it was perfectly obvious.

“Or those post-battle fondles?”

“Fighting is sexy, can you blame Cloaky for getting excited at seeing the armor in action?”

The explanation eased some of Steve’s worry, but he couldn’t help prodding further. “That still doesn't explain the other day: You were undressing for Cloaky, saying It ‘couldn’t wait to get you out of the armor’, or something?”

“You were there? Should’ve stuck around, I’d have put on a real show.” Tony winked up at him.

Steve sighed. “Tony.”

“Steve.” Tony wrinkled his nose, the way he did when he was trying to hold back a laugh. “Did you pause to consider a different interpretation of that statement?”

“How is there anything ambiguous about Cloaky trying to get you naked?!” 

Tony crawled over to lie on Steve’s chest, and began tracing the line of his clavicle. “Maybe Cloaky wanted me  _ out _ of the armor so that it could take my place  _ inside _ it?”

Dawning relief spreading through Steve, and he raised his hands to cup Tony’s face. “So all those times it, uh-”

“Yup. Every time Cloaky sees the armor It just can’t keep Its magical fingers away.” Tony said thoughtfully. He shut his eyes as Steve’s thumbs glided over his cheeks. “And I get it, for a thousand-year-old fella, I’m guessing It doesn’t get a lot of fellow magic artifacts swiping right. The little guy is probably really lonely, being so old and all. I’m sure you can relate.”

“I can’t believe you just compared me to a sentient blanket.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. Your clothes-sona would be something way more patriotic. Definitely a flag.” Tony quirked an eyebrow, and broke into an exaggeratedly salacious grin. "Wouldn't mind you on  _ my _ flagpole."

“You’re impossible.” Steve muttered, lifting his head to kiss the other man. 

“Well, I gotta hand it to you: both of you are great at snuggling. And share a fascination with butts. Mine in particular. Or ones that I've made.” Tony grinned widely. He wiggled his hips, grinding down, and it sent a spark of interest up Steve’s spine. “Did I tell you what happened the first time we met? I was leaning against a magic urn, and Cloaky reached out and slapped my-”

“So you’re not interested in Cloaky?” Steve interrupted. Tony’s movements had sent a stirring of interest through him and he wanted to chase the sensation, not have the mood killed by hearing more of Cloaky’s sexcapades.

“Of course not, you big dumb dork.” Tony dropped another kiss on him. “I can't give Cloaky one of my active suits, so I’ve been working on a dummy suit slash sex toy so it’ll stop being so handsy and distracting during battles.”

“So you and I are still-”

“Yep.” Tony nipped his lip. “I know the press likes to paint me as this huge hoe, but-”

“They're full of trash.” Steve growled, hands tightening on Tony's hips.

“-but there's never been anyone or anything else. It's always been you.” Tony dipped his head to Steve’s ear, voice going husky.  “And now I don’t feel like talking anymore, so you might wanna strip all thoughts of horny cloaks from your mind.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice,” Steve replied, burying his face in the crook of Tony’s neck.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This got kinda long, but it was fun XD


End file.
